A different season

Hi to all - I have not written lately for many reasons but will try to express in words this season we are going through. As you know Dustin has been in the hospital over 9 months with progress that is sometimes difficult at best to see. It is a times like these that we do need to focus on the fact that he is alive, off the vent, eating food and as of the last few days cleared to drink small amounts of fluid. His large wound is still fairly large but continues to heal. That of course has been much of the hindering factor in learning bed transfers, being in his wheelchair for long periods of time to go on outings etc. He also has had the cast on his arm after it got so contracted from Augusta VA and I am pushing as to now since it is off, as to why he is not working on feeding himself. I had a good talk with the social worker and she is going to push this. He fed himself a few bites when he was in Albuquerque so I know it is possible as we have practiced a bit since then.

Dustin and I have had a difficult time in our relationship which is hard after losing Forrest as well. He seems to hold a lot of bitterness towards me, is often harsh and seems to care less. Of course I know it is the things operating in him as well as all of the drugs talking. The drug thing is hard as lately it seems like it has really altered his personality. I know what it is but it does not make it easier to deal with. Of course we teach and I believe that there is pain, then pain memory that demands the drug, that produces more pain to demand more drugs etc. You end up with someone addicted to narcotics, that still has pain, that has an altered reality and personality and fear of going off of them because of the pain. The spiritual dynamics are a battle and my biggest job is to remember I have a very sweet , creative, good hearted son under all of this.

The VA has purchased a new MAC for him as well as programs needed for voice activation. Once it gets here he will have it a his bedside and then he will then be responsible for the motivation to practice learning it. They bought him a very fast one as they are well aware of his low tolerance at this point. I thought that was pretty amazing.

Rick had his knee surgery and is doing well. It was a very big surgery, I mean they basically take a hammer and whack your knee, rip it open, but in some metal parts, beat it around, and then put a bunch of thick staples in it. Needless to say it is very painful but he is not taking any pain meds. He has an extra understanding and compassion for what Dustin is going through as he really isn't supposed to be doing much and that is hard when there are so many things you want to do but aren't able. He also understands the pain thing but did realize after 2 days in the hospital with a morphine pump that it is real easy just to sit there and hit it and not care about a thing in the world. You don't feel like reading or really doing anything. He made a concentrated effort to not stay in that mode. He did decide to take the pain pills one night so he would sleep better. He decided the next morning with the great revelation after a night of pain that that is why they call them "pain pills". He actually had more pain on them overall than when not taking them.

I pray Dustin would be able to understand that. We had a doctor friend who shared research about how morphine actually increases pain and then you just have to keep taking it more and more. That is basically what happens in hospice. The pain gets worse and worse, the narcotics dose gets higher and higher until basically they take you out. I watched it with my mom and have talked to many others of which this has happened. Before Dustin went to college he made a quality decision to get off prescribed narcotics for scoliosis pain after being on them for 1-2 years. He quit taking them and was able to deal with pain by simply taking hot baths when he got stressed and a few tylenol every now and then so I do believe the research to hold true. I hope and pray that he will make that quality decision again so I can have my real son back.

He had a great visit with Nerina and her mom and sister which really helps me to know that they help keep his spirits up. HIs aunt Jodi (rick's sister) will be visiting this weekend and then his childhood best friend will be there for a few days. Rick and I plan to go to the open house for "Step it Up" rehab in Sanford and then will probably hang out there for the night and check out the town. It is quaint. We have put an offer on a house as Dustin decided he was not ready for that commitment. We will rent it out to people who come to the rehab for a month at a time. We will then visit Dustin for the weekend.

The cows are good (4 of them - one is the neigbors) , I am waiting for the chickens to lay some eggs and Buck, the Great Dane, is fitting right in with us. We have been eating garden tomatoes, fresh lettuce, cucumbers and radishes.

The addition on the house is really coming along and it absolutely beautiful. Pleasant Valley Days, at work, have been filled with good teaching and a bit more laid back this year. I was priviliged to teach when Pastor Donna was helping a friend have her baby all night. Of course the baby didn't come, I got to teach and it went really well.

Please pray that Dustin can bust out of the need for pain meds and sees beyond there fear that say he can't live without them, that he will move through the season of depression and anger into a place where he feels strong, worthwhile and hopeful for his future and can learn to laugh again. I know it is a season, that God is in charge of the seasons and seasons always change.

I have been pretty weepy and overwhelmed with having to work fulltime, deal with the rejection of Dustin, all of the chores, and being at church every night. Of course Rick is great in covering me and I have had great friends who in our cabin that love, support and pray for me. Her husband even mowed our grass which was a first for him. H is now officially a John Deere lover and also them not being dog people have even fallen for our 3 dogs including the big black goofy Buck.

thanks to all for your love , support and prayers for us. Remember the old Beatles song, "we get by with a little help from our friends..... and I add a ton of help from God. Yes, yes and amen!!

love
mary pat